Kids Say the Oddest Things

Jacob, our youngest, has a habit of getting in trouble. At home, he can’t stop pestering the dog (who is now afraid of him), he picks on his brother endlessly, and he has a habit of jumping off everything. We keep telling him to stop before he gets hurt, but he never seems phased.

At school he cannot seem to sit still, keep his hands to himself, and has on occasion, been known to hit or kick his fellow students. We know he can control himself when he wants to, but seems interested only when it benefits him. The school believes its ADHD, Aimee’s beginning to think military school may help, and I think he’s either bored or needs a teacher who is a little tougher.

At school he cannot seem to sit still, keep his hands to himself, and has on occasion, been known to hit or kick his fellow students. We know he can control himself when he wants to, but seems interested only when it benefits him. The school believes its ADHD, Aimee’s beginning to think military school may help, and I think he’s either bored or needs a teacher who is a little tougher.

Jacob’s teacher has him on a plan where he is sent home daily with reports on his behavior and has sent to the Principal’s Office more times in the second grade than I did my entire secondary career! I’m not sure if that’s something to brag about, of if we should wait until he’s older, and only if he stays out of trouble.

His teacher seems talented enough, but I’ve come to believe she may be better suited teaching in some fictional town on the Hallmark Channel. But at this point, she’s had such a tough time with him that I’m convinced that she will either be named “most improved teacher” or quit. Hopefully this year will provide enough experience to help her be named “Teacher of the Year” at some point in the near future.

But, on the bright side, he has provided enough material for some real good stories. Just last week he came home with a warning. What was it for? Apparently, Jacob had been teaching his classmates how to spell the “A-word”. Which “A-word”? We thought we knew, but had to ask, just to make sure.

“Was it the three-letter word for ‘butt’?” Aimee asked.

“It means ‘butt’?” he replied. “I thought it meant ‘donkey’.”

“It does mean ‘donkey’, but it also means ‘butt'” she said.

At that, Jacob ran out to the back porch where his brother was playing and yelled. “Hey Noah! Mom says the ‘A-Word’ means ‘butt’!”

Noah replied, “The A-Word means ‘butt’? I thought it meant ‘donkey’!”

At that Jacob said, “Mom says it means both!” Then they laughed, and laughed, and laughed! Their mother turning red in embarrassment.

“Good job Mom!” was all I could say with a smile. “Aren’t they supposed to learn these things from their friends?” Nevertheless, we slept soundly that night knowing our mischievous one was a little wiser due to our incredible parenting skills!

The Short Inspection

It was way too early on a beautiful Saturday morning when the Cadre woke us up.

“EVERYBODY GET UP, GET DRESSED, GET OUTSIDE, AND GET IN FORMATION!  WE DON’T CARE WHAT YOU’VE GOT ON, WHETHER OR NOT YOUR BUNK IS MADE, WHETHER YOU’VE SHAVED OR SHOWERED, JUST GET DRESSED AND GET OUTSIDE!”

It would appear as though I wasn’t the only grumpy person this morning!  The entire cadre seemed a little cranky, the entire Company of soldiers less than chipper, each or my ragtag group peers standing outside wondering what just happened!

“Bravo Company, a Health and Welfare Inspection has been initiated,” the First Sergeant began.  “We will be looking for any form of weapons, drugs, alcohol, food substance , or other paraphernalia that should NOT be in your rooms, whether legal or illegal.  When dismissed, you need to go directly to your rooms, prop open the door, open your wall lockers, and stand at the position of parade rest at the end of your bunks!  Drill Sergeants will be going through your belongings one room at a time.  The first person in each room who recognizes the Drill Sergeant entering the room will call the room to attention and follow their direction accordingly.  If your possessions are found to be within regulations, you will be released for weekend.  If you are found to be in possession of something out of regs, disciplinary actions will ensue.  Are there any questions? … No?  Great! Company, attention!  Dis-missed!!”

At that, we scurried back to our rooms, propped open doors, and proceeded to wait.  I knew I was in trouble from the start.  I had a box of hot chocolate in my wall locker, which qualified as a “food substance”.  It was one of those variety packs that were individually wrapped they were quite enjoyable during those cool fall evenings.  Unfortunately, there wasn’t much place for the box to be hidden.  It was on the top shelf, in the back corner, behind shampoo and shaving cream, right next to a mug setting in plain view.  So all I really could do was to stand there and wait, with the din at the other end of the hall, slowly growing closer, and closer.

Then it happened, “Good morning Proctor!”

“Room, attention!” I called.  “Good morning Drill Sergeant!”

I was in luck.  Drill Sergeant Talbert was a slight of a man, coming in at a whopping 5’3” and maybe 140 pounds.  The brim of his campaign hat was about even with the lockers shelf.  There may be a chance!

“At ease Proctor!  Are you hiding anything from me?”

How was I really supposed to respond to a question like that?  “Why yes Drill Sergeant, I’ve got an illicit box of Swiss Miss in my locker.  It’s on the top shelf, right behind the Pert!” 

Uh, no …

“No Drill Sergeant, I am not!”

“Are you lying to me Proctor?  If you’re hiding something, you know I’ll find it!”

“I’m sure you would Drill Sergeant!”

Sergeant Talbert began the search.  He started with my shoes and glanced under the bed.  He then went through the desk before heading to the wall locker.  My stress level rose ever so slightly as he went through the drawers holding socks, shirts, and shorts.  He moved to the hangars, both military and civilian clothes.  Then the shelf.  Drill Sergeant Talbert rose to his toes for a glance, returned to his feet, then spun turned towards my direction.  I braced for impact as I was about to learn my fate ….

“You’re good to go Proctor!  Secure your locker and enjoy your weekend!” 

Excuse me?  Good to go?

“Roger that Drill Sergeant!”  I was closing the doors about the time he was leaving the room, but I was stopped before I could get it locked.

“PROCTOR!  WHAT ARE YOU DOING?!”

I turned to find Drill Sergeant Sullivan standing in the door.  Sullivan was a lot bigger, standing about six foot tall, cresting 200 pounds.  He looked and carried himself like someone would think a Drill Sergeant should!

“Drill Sergeant!  Drill Sergeant Talbert has inspected my room and said I was good to go!”

Sullivan paused for a moment and we caught eyes, waiting to see who would flinch first.  He took a step back, and leaned out the door, still glaring in my general direction.

“Drill Sergeant Talbert!” he yelled.

“Wassup Drill Sergeant?”

“Did you get Proctor?”

“Yep, sure did.  He’s good to go!”

At that, Drill Sergeant Sullivan shifted his weight back into my room, still holding his gaze.

“You’re lucky Proctor, you know I would have found something!” 

“Roger that Drill Sergeant!”  He then turned and headed off to the next room, not realizing how lucky I really was!

The Move

The summer job I worked during my college years was that of a laborer with a local moving company.  There were more than a few long days loading and unloading trucks, most of these involved household goods belonging to families as they transitioned throughout the National Capital Region.

While it was hard work, and nearly 30 years ago, I still think back to a simpler time and laugh at some of the experiences that occurred.

A normal day consisted of a “show time” at 6:00 AM, the dispatcher providing our assignments for the day soon afterward, and generally heading down the road by 6:30. Days would generally continue to late in the afternoon, with some lasting well into the evening.

I recall one morning the dispatcher had pulled three of us aside about 6:15 and to informed us about our task.  We would be moving a woman and her two children from one apartment to another with the two separated by a mile or two. 

It was to be a fairly simple move, but there was a catch. 

Even though the family lived just a couple of miles from our office, we were under NO circumstances to pull into the parking lot before 8:00 and arrive no later than 8:15.  The move needed to be complete, paperwork included, no later than 4:00.  And lastly, we were not to ask any questions as to why they were moving.  If the lady didn’t provide the reason at any point, the dispatcher would let us know the next time we crossed paths.

The dispatcher knew to mention this last detail, mainly because folks would generally bring it up as part of a casual conversation. But with a statement like that, we were more than curious, but we followed orders, especially since he swore to fill us in at some point afterward. 

We pulled into the complex a couple minutes after 8:00 and found the young lady waiting in front of her building.  After exchanging pleasantries, we confirmed our task with one added stipulation … there was one closet that had been tied closed that we were not to touch.  They were personal effects she wanted to take care of herself. This in itself was a normal request that many folks make, and those effects are usually something expensive or personal in nature … jewelry, old family photos, etc … so we didn’t think much of it.

The day proved to be fairly easy.  Both places were three bedroom apartments, both on the first floor, both had a fairly short walk, and since it was a one-day move we could leave non-breakables such as clothes right in their cabinets.  With the three of us working together on multiple occasions, we knew our habits, so things went just that much more smoothly.

By the time the move was complete, with paperwork was signed, a check written, and the truck doors closed, our watches read just about 2:45.  With nothing broken or lost, and the fact we were done way ahead of schedule, this young lady began to praise our efforts.  Overall, it was a really good day.

Then, as we were about to go our separate ways, this young woman handed each of us a $20 bill and asked if we knew why she was moving.

We admitted that we didn’t, informed her of our dispatchers instructions, and confessed that we were curious. 

She then smiled and said, “I would like to thank you for helping me leave my husband.  The closet that was tied shut is filled with his belongings.  He’ll normally returns home from work shortly after 5:00, and I expect he’ll be a little surprised.”

The Rain, the Drunks, and a Tour Through Town

Credit for much of this story goes to the town of Manitou Springs, Colorado, where real events provided the basis for the story below.

It really was a dark and stormy night.   The entire summer of 1990 seemed to be extra harsh on the community.  Temps were higher than normal, a brush fire ignited at a local campground destroying nearly 30 square miles of forest in the National Park just to the west.  Torrential rains dumped throughout the region for most of August to the point that roads and basements alike were flooding regularly.  All were hoping for the rain would stop soon, and generally get a break, but reports were disheartening with forecasters predicting more of the same for another week or so.

The Chief of Police grew up in town and would join his staff as they made their rounds.  These days, he would use an old truck just big enough to get through the flooded Main Street.  Andrew Proctor had been on the force going on 15 years, and Chief for the past two, taking reins when Rick Kline finally retired.

Rick had grown up in the community, much like Andrew did, joined the Springfield’s police force soon after graduating high school, becoming Chief just before his 35th birthday and staying in that role another 25 years.  Rick’s roots in town ran deep.  Several of his forefathers helped found the community in the early 1800’s, with men working primarily in farming, poultry, and the lumber mill in the next town over.  The women tended to be teachers and homemakers, with the occasional secretary after their kids were grown.

It was hard to see Rick finally retire, but he seemed happy.  He had been a mentor to Andrew for from the time he was just a kid.  Andrew found himself in trouble quite a bit growing up, with Chief Kline pulling him out of more than a few sticky situations, a couple of which could have been dire if they had gone much further.

But Chief Kline saw potential in Andrew, took a liking to him, and helped when he could, stepping in as a surrogate when Andrew’s father passed away.  It was Chief Kline that eventually gave him a chance with the force, and from there, Andrew has continued to grow. He never imagined becoming Chief himself.  Andrew had been offered a position with the State Patrol about the time Chief Kline nominated him for the role but didn’t have the heart to take the State job when Chief Kline brought it up.

Andrew thought about that conversation with Chief Kline, and many others they had over the years.  Those conversations, along with many other experiences growing up and, on the force, prepared him for just about everything that came his way.  But this evening was different.  With everything that generally occurred during a storm … trees down, power out, the occasional accident, or stranded driver … this one was unique.  Nobody had ever called about a runaway casket now resting in the middle of Main Street.

A casket?  A casket!  Several drunks were leaving the bar off the north end of Main during the storm saw the casket come floating down Ruxton Ave.  They watched it go with the flow make a right on Main and continue for about a hundred yards before stopping in front of the ice cream shop.  Oddly, the funeral home wasn’t missing one.  The hospital’s morgue wasn’t missing any either.  So where did it come from?  It would take a little time, but Chief Proctor would eventually find out.

On the bright side, could you imagine what was going through the minds of those drunks was they watched the casket floating down the road?  The driver of the cab the drunks hailed saw it too.  Being the only one sober at the time, probably had the biggest laugh of all involved!

Once the coroner was involved, and the police finished their investigation, it was determined that the casket was occupied by the late Heather Smythe.  Heather was the daughter of Roger and Sara Smythe who moved to town in the late 1880’s.  The Smythe’s were fairly well off and quickly become pillars of the community.  Unfortunately, young Miss Crawford had been stricken with tuberculosis and was told she’d be lucky to see her 20th birthday. 

Heather was also quite pretty, outgoing, and had a talent for music, especially the piano.  So once the Smythe’s settled down, it didn’t take long for the young men to notice.  The young Miss Smythe loved the attention her male audience provided, but also realized her life was to be cut short, and politely turned away any potential long-term suitor.  She couldn’t imagine someone becoming a widower at a young age themselves. 

Well, except for one.  There was the young Jacob Brown, a handsome, talented, and suave young man in his own right, was so smitten with Miss Smythe that he couldn’t stay away and refused to take no for an answer.  After nearly a year of pursuit, Jacob convinced Heather to marry.  Unfortunately, that marriage would never occur.  In early August 1905, Miss Heather Smythe succumbed to her illness.  It was just a couple of weeks prior to the wedding. 

After her passing, those closest to her would recall how much she loved the view outside her bedroom window.  Her view of Red Mountain and the way the suns setting light was the most beautiful sight she had ever seen.  She hoped to be buried at the summit so she could watch the sun set forevermore.  And that is exactly what happened!

Jacob, along with several of his closest friends, her family, and Pastor in tow, carried Heather and her casket to the top of Red Mountain.  They proceeded to dig a grave and held a funeral right there!  Afterwards, the crowd watched the sun set once more with the late Heather Smythe before making the trek back down. 

That site on the top of Red Mountain remained a sacred part of local lore for years.  Many would pass one version of the story or another from one generation to the next.  Those who knew Heather and her widowed fiancé would regularly gaze at Red Mountain from below, remembering her pain, her dreams, and the love the two shared.

Elements would take their toll on that poorly dug grave.  And during that fateful storm some 85 years later, the late Heather Smythe decided to resurface, and pay a visit to the town below!  But this time, reinterred in the town’s cemetery, where not only could she watch the sun set over her beloved Red Mountain, but enjoy the company of those who decided to stop by.

And for those drunks who witnessed her casket sail down the street … they would continue to meet regularly at the same local bar, until they came to an odd drunken decision, just a year after that dark stormy night.  They determined the city cemetery was NOT where she should remain, scoured the neighborhood for shovels, picks, and anything else with which they could dig, exhumed poor Ms Smythe and return it to the top of Red Mountain where she belonged!

Once her casket resurfaced a second time, the drunks proceeded to carry her back up main, make a left on Ruxton, and tried to reinter her in someone’s front yard, just 50 yards up Ruxton!  Chief Proctor wasn’t on shift that evening responded to the scene when he received the call, and could only laugh at what had taken place!  Who else would think of pulling a stunt like that?!  Leaving a mess to be cleaned, the destruction of two plots of land they didn’t own, and poor Miss Smythe had to be interred for a third time. 

If she only knew …..